


Joker's true origin story revealed

by Hitlertheduck



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26299510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck
Summary: The true origin story for the Clown Prince of crime has finally come to light. You better believe it.
Kudos: 1





	Joker's true origin story revealed

Abraham Lincoln was surfing on his chainsaw surfboard, on waves made out of used heroine needles, cocaine, and crystal meth when suddenly, Jerry Seinfeld jumped out of the bushes and held up a positive pregnancy test.

“Abe, I’m pregnant with the state of Mississippi” said Jerry

The state of Mississippi then burst out of Jerry’s stomach, followed by a shower of blood and internal organs from Jerry’s body.

“Abe, we’ve gotta collect the 6 sugar sticks in order to end Billy Mays tyranny” exclaimed the state of Mississippi.

“Nah, don’t feel like it” said Abraham Lincoln

“Okie dokie” said the State of Mississippi

Abraham Lincoln and the State of Mississippi then happily skipped along their merry way until they came upon the demon lord, Hulk Hogan who was currently blocking their path!

“Yo what’s up niggas, tell me the password to get through or I will eat yo soul fo breakfast yo” whispered Hulk Hogan. 

Abraham Lincoln and the State of Mississippi thought about this for 35,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 seconds until they had finally come up with the password.

The State of Mississippi then reached into her vagina and pulled out Terry Crews, only he was a shark made of cotton candy, dipped in oil, fed nothing but napkins all his life, breathed fire, and spoke Korean. The State of Mississippi then handed Terry over to Hulk Hogan.

“That is correct, you may pass” yodeled Hulk Hogan. He then jumped into his own asshole and disappeared.

The State of Mississippi and Abraham Lincoln then began to ice skate on skates made out of lasers in order to get to their final destination and face off against the enemy. 

After 24 nanoseconds passed, Abraham Lincoln had arrived to the destination but the State of Mississippi had unfortunately died along the way due to blinking too many times, so she blew up and left Abraham Lincoln alone to reach his destiny.

Abraham Lincoln hopped off of his ice skates and looked up to see his arch nemesis, the enemy that he’d been searching 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years to kill. The destroyer of worlds, the annihilator of dreams, the consumer of galaxies, it was the Warmaster H.P Lovecraft!

“So Abe, it looks like it’s finally time for our long fabled conflict to come to an end” said H.P Lovecraft

“It would appear so my avaricious foe” said Abe while riding on a unicycle and juggling black holes.

The time for talking was over now and the two men knew that their actions would speak much louder than their words ever would. 

H.P Lovecraft pulled out a pair of roller skates and stuck them onto his feet. He then began to skate towards Abraham Lincoln while Abraham Lincoln sweated so much that he flooded the entirety of planet earth several times over. Abe then began balancing a miniature black hole on his nose like a seal before 

H.P Lovecraft kept on skating until he eventually got close to honest Abe, lifted up his leg and slashed downwards, creating a bloody gash in Abe’s chest. Crimson red blood began to spill out of Abraham Lincoln’s wound because H.P Lovecraft wasn’t just using regular roller skates, these were roller skates that had been forged from the fiery bowels of the   
planet Jupiter’s core! These recent events caused Abraham Lincoln to pass out from his injuries. 

H.P Lovecraft looked satisfied at Abe’s unconscious body but before he could do anything else, the watch on his wrist began to beep the beepiest beep that a watch ever did beep.   
“OH MY GOSH I’M LATE FOR MY APPOINTMENT”

H.P Lovecraft then pulled out a balloon made of aborted baby fetuses, inflated the balloon, and floated to the moon in order to make it on time to his job as the pancake fetus therapist.

Back on earth, Abraham Lincoln was having a dream about being in an alternate world where every single person was a sentient scarecrow made from the dead skin of fat ugly elderly men but only the men and not women because their dead skin was used to build the giant robot mecha known as Mega Skin Flake Berserker! 

Abraham Lincoln began to explore this strange new world that he was in with a wide eyed wonderment until he came up to a small child scarecrow and wanted to ask him more about this new world.

“Excuse me little one, what day is today?”

The bite sized child did not say anything to Abraham Lincoln, instead he just reached his hands into his own body and pulled out his candy flavored intestines as pink sparkly glitter blood leaked on the floor and brightened up everyone’s day. The child then cheerfully placed his intestines into Abe’s open palms and then made a biting gesture with his hand and mouth to imply that Abe should eat the surprisingly delicious looking intestines.

Abe did as he was told and swallowed the intestines whole and what happened next was a complete game changer. 

Abe’s hands began to mutate into deformed claws, his body became square and flat, his legs became square, and his head became way rounder and Abe found that his skin had turned yellow throughout this whole thing. The child then handed Abe a mirror in order to check out his new form and Abe was shocked by what he saw in there.

Abraham Lincoln had mutated into a lego minifigure!

This shook Abe down to his very core and turned his blood to lime flavored icing. He didn’t want to be a lego minifigure, he’d wanted to be a lego bionicle since he was a kid and now his dream had been taken from him forever!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” yelled Lego Abe.

Lego Abe then put both of his hands on the child scarecrow’s head and twisted it off to create a pink bubble bath of blood in his path. The bubbly blood splattered everywhere and caused the scarecrow people who were splashed with it to mutate into killer robots made of bubble gum.

The bubble gum bots then proceeded to pull out machine guns made of fried chicken and open fire with bullets made of pure gold on the poor Lego minifigure.  
Lego Abe just bobbed and weaved through all of the gun fire and began to punch all of the bubble gum bots in the face. 

Suddenly green electric energy began to course through Lego Abe’s hands and he fired off a blast of radioactive energy from his lego fingers, destroying the bubble gum bots, because Abe didn’t know that lego minifigures have access to the dark arts coursing through their bodies.

The energy from Abe’s blast didn’t just destroy the bots, but it singlehandedly destroyed the entire world that they were on and made Abe wake up from his dream that he had!  
Abe saw that the wound from H.P Lovecraft had healed quite nicely, but he also saw that he was still a lego minifigure even though that was just a dream. “That must have been my earth-2 counterpart” concluded Abe. Abe also realized the magnificent power that his new lego form had and decided that he actually liked being this way now.

Lego Abe then planted a seed in the ground and waited 184628463653893 years, until a spaceship grew from the seed that Abe had planted. Abe then hopped in the spaceship’s pilot seat and flew to the moon to end H.P Lovecraft’s life once and for all.

As Abe was flying towards the moon, he spotted H.P Lovecraft giving a blowjob to a cup of hot chocolate, oh no wait that’s just called drinking hot chocolate with a straw, silly me.

Lego Abe then crashed his ship into the moon and hopped out to face his merciless foe. As Abe faced him, he noticed that H.P Lovecraft was wearing a black cloaked hood which covered his entire body and face, obviously he must’ve been up to something evil.

“Ok Lovecraft, you beat me before, but I’ve ascended to Lego form now and you can’t defeat me!”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you poor naïve fool. For I too have achieved a new form from rigorous training!” boasted H.P Lovecraft. 

Howard Phillips then threw his cloak off to reveal his new form and what Abe saw simultaneously shocked him, angered him, and made him cry tears of sorrow from his tear dispensers. 

H.P Lovecraft was a blue bionicle! 

H.P Lovecraft’s bionicle form looked plastic yet robotic. He was just like a life sized customizable action figure brought to life and his bionicle form seemed to closely resemble the hordika line of bionicle. His blue coating shined brightly, there were blades where his hands should be that also glistened under the stars, and his eyes were a bright orange that you just couldn’t help but feel calm from staring into.

Naturally this pissed Abe the fuck off. 

“THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD DREAM AND YOU SNATCHED IT FROM ME YOU… YOU… JERK” said Lego Abe in his high pitched chipmunk voice.

That last word had hurt Lovecraft, no one had ever called him a jerk before in his entire life. He wouldn’t let this stand, so Abe was going to pay with his life today.

“NO ONE CALLS ME A JERK AND LIVE TO GET AWAY WITH IT CUNT MONKEY” said H.P Lovecraft as he ran at Abe with the intent to decapitate him and use his skull to carry candy while trick or treating.

Abe just smirked at this and said the best come back humanly possible “my daughter’s curfew is at 7:00 pm so bring her back on time” before more green energy began to course through the Lego minifigure’s fingers and he let out a green blast of energy at Howard Phillips Lovecraft.

Bionicle Lovecraft anticipated this and so he deflected the blast by slashing the blast with his blade and letting the blast harmlessly bounce to the side instead, creating an explosion of love in the pants of the person reading this fanfic right now. 

Bionicle Lovecraft continued charging towards the Lego minifig while Abe continued to shoot energy blast after energy blast at the plastic figurine. However these blasts had no effect on Lovecraft due to him deflecting each and every one of the blasts with his mastery of the blade as came dangerously close to chopping off poor Abe’s head.

Abe was almost out of options but before Lovecraft reached him he remembered what Steve Jobs told him before she died. 

“Abe, inside of your nipples lives a monster that can consume anything, use it if you’re in a pinch” said Steve Jobs before she was swallowed by her own greed and digested by her own sins.

As Bionicle Lovecraft lifted up his bladed hands to decapitate the lego man, Abe lifted his plastic shirt and a planet sized ant monster emerged from his nipples! This was so shocking to the formerly cocky bionicle that he just stood there, stunned at the ferocious beast before him. 

Bionicle Lovecraft’s shock didn’t last long as the ant monster took a bite out of Lovecraft’s upper half, leaving him as just a pair of legs while the ant beast chewed its meal thoroughly and then retreated back into Abe’s nipples.

Abe was finally victorious over his long hated arch nemesis and decided that he should celebrate to commemorate the occasion. So Abe poured himself a glass of cold white milk and raised the glass in the air.

“To me, the world, and the rest of time and space” toasted Abe before taking a sip of the milk. 

Abe then fell on the ground, in pain after drinking the milk. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” said Abe.

Abe’s body began to change once again, only this time there were no Legos involved. His form began to turn humanoid like before, only now his skin was completely white, his hair green, and his lips red. His outfit had gone from the classic presidential garb to a purple tuxedo with a bow tie at the neck, and a pair of black shoes to complete the look. 

Abe had completed his transformation into a circus clown!

Abe looked at himself in the mirror and didn’t even recognize who he was staring at so he figured he should have a new name. Joker had a pretty nice ring to it, so that’s what he would call himself from now on.

And that’s the true origin story for the Joker


End file.
